life

Me vs. Me

I don’t have a lot of good things to say about myself. This is the part where you may expect me to blame my parents because they never gave me any kind of compliments other than my cheekbones or how beautiful I am because my mother is beautiful and her mother was beautiful. To be honest, beauty can only get you so far in life.

I know I’m smart. My problem solving skills are getting better every day. I love technology. I can easily learn how to use new software with minimal supervision. I can figure out how to put out a fire without panicking.

I know I’m creative. I have a portfolio full of amazing projects that I am very proud of. I use this creativity every day at work because it’s part of my job description. Sometimes I surprise myself at how my creativity doesn’t end. I never run out of ideas. I never run out of different ways to convey messages and attract demographics.

I know I’m caring. I love my kids. I love my husband. I love my siblings even though a few of them don’t reciprocate, but it doesn’t bother me…I’d walk through fire for them. I’d walk through fire for people I care about, even though I know some of them wouldn’t do the same for me. I don’t have a big heart, but my heart is so full of love for those that matter to me. My kids..my husband…if I knew how much I loved them, it would probably kill me (quoting “Riding In Cars With Boys”).

My pets. My beautiful pets whom I don’t even consider as just pets. They’re also my children. They depend on me for survival. I feed them, I shelter them, I check on their health, I make sure they don’t go without — just like I do with my children.

But what I don’t know is the kind of person I am inside. I’d like to think that I’m a nice individual with a big heart who just wants to make my loved ones happy. I’d like to think that I do good things without expecting anything in return; because honestly, I don’t. I’d also like to think that people think that way about me.

Then there are some individuals who believe that I do good things to get something out of it. That I have ulterior motives for doing good deeds. And as much as I try to prove to those that it’s not my intention at all, they refuse to believe it.

I have opened up to a few people. A few people know me inside and out and what I’m capable of. I’m capable of doing good things, of change, but I am also capable of destruction — both self and everyone else around me. I try to do less of both. My insecurity gets the best of me. I don’t have good explanations or reasons of the destructive things I do other than…this is what I do when I don’t feel good about myself. And a lot of times, I don’t feel good about myself.

I try to stop depending on others to validate my self-worth. I try to look into myself to see the good in me. But it’s hard when you have people who don’t think you are capable of changing.

I’m 36 years old and yet, I still need some kind of validation from others. It could be about the smallest, pettiest thing…I still need a person to say, “Yay, you’re awesome.” I know I don’t need that. But this brain of mine…oh no, it wants it. It’s an addiction. It’s a disease. A disease stemmed from years of being told I’m worthless and I will never go far. I’m addicted to receiving praise and compliments that I don’t even know how to respond to.

I mask my insecurity and self-doubt with humor and sarcasm. If I even say a nice word or do a good deed, the judgments come in (do you all see the irony in this?). So I do less of the latter and just continue on being my sarcastic, asshole self.

I’m just one person trying to do it all. Scratch that there are people out there who don’t think I’m capable of changing, of being a different person than I have been these short years I’ve been on this planet. I am going to try to keep changing. I am going to try to do things that make me feel good in a long term sense and not just for the moment. I am going to keep doing the things that I know won’t get me any recognition or credit because I know I don’t need it. I am going to focus on my loved ones, to make sure that they get all my love and attention because they deserve it. I am going to distance myself from those who doubt me on a daily basis, who think my heart is made of stone because even though I really want to prove to them that I’m not as evil as they make me out to be, they will never change their minds.

Those people, who think I’m toxic, I can’t make them stop thinking that way. They will always see me as such. They will read this and think, “Oh…nice try trying to convince me that you’re a changed person.” This is not why I’m writing this. I’m writing this because I have a hard time putting my emotions and my thoughts out loud. But I am pretty damn good at writing them down. If they even gave an ounce of shit about me, they’d read this the whole way through.

If you read this the whole way through, I owe you my gratitude. You’re the real MVP.