I Survived. Then I Slept.

I have been asleep for the past 3 days. I’ve had so many surgeries that I would think I’d be okay but nope, that shit took a lot out of me. First off, the pain. It wasn’t so bad at the hospital because they gave me a morphine machine.

They made me wear this stupid oxygen thing that was connected to this annoying ass machine. And every time I took it off, it would beep like a mofo. So that made it even worse.

Jeremy stayed with me the whole time. Making sure I was comfortable and that the pain was bearable. It wasn’t until we got home that the pain got worse and my stubborn ass wouldn’t take the pain killers.

But one night, I finally did. Because I cried so hard from the pain. When the pain finally subsided I finally slept. And that’s what I did the past 3 days…sleep. Because the pain took a lot out of me that I was so exhausted.

I’m still recovering and I have a job interview tomorrow which I’m really excited about. More excited about buying an interview outfit.

However, I’m more excited about my new tattoo. More on that later.

Social Media Is No Longer For Me

I deleted my Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn accounts. Any interaction with people outside my real life circle is not what I need right now. I have my kids, my husband, my sister, and a few friends who have my number so they know how to get a hold of me.

I feel like someone who is about to leave the country or probably who is dying soon.

My surgery is tomorrow. Even though it’s something simple, I’m still a little bit worried that there could be complications. Last time I had major surgery, I had to sign a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) and a priest came in my room. Good grief.

So I’m only active on Instagram. And even that’s private. My objective is to disappear from everyone’s radar. Deleting my social media accounts seems like the best thing to do. I really don’t want anyone contacting me if they’re not friends and family. I plan to just cut everyone off and not give a rat’s ass about how they’re doing and what they’re doing.

I hope this brings me some kind of peace.

The Universe Is A Dick

I’m typing all of this from my phone because even though my desk is only about 10 feet away my brain is telling me to chill out and just lay in bed.

I’m a very wound up person. It’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I’ve lost patience with people and I don’t want to be around them unless it’s work or family. I can’t stand the small talk and the fake conversations. I’m really angry and annoyed.

And I’m thisclose to giving up on life.

Please. Before you call 911 and report me for being suicidal, just remember that I have suicidal thoughts. It comes from my depression which used to be mild a year ago and then turned into major.

I think life is another person who enjoys picking on people and see how much it would take until they crumble. Growing up, I didn’t show emotions most of the time. I didn’t let my mother see me upset when she got upset. My lower lip didn’t quiver and I could feel my eyes dilating to where they were probably just black. This is how I learned to show people that I can’t be broken. So when life is fucking with me, I dig my heels in and refuse to fall apart.

But there are times when I feel like I should fall apart. Just to make myself feel human. Because when shit hits the fan I’m stoic. I don’t react. Inside, I’m screaming and I’m angry. On the outside, I’m that really calm person directing people to the exit during a fire drill.

Please don’t ask me to direct people to the exit during a fire drill or a real fire.

So here we are, life is kicking my ass again. I’m not mad. Maybe because I’ve gotten so used to it. And I’m not just talking about the shit I’ve done to put me in certain predicaments, I’m also talking about people who have shit on me in the past. Some of them have to bear the responsibility of why I am the way I am.

I’m not a people pleaser. I’m not one to nod and agree to everything. I’ve learned that if you let people walk all over you or jerk you around you set a precedent for everyone else to do the same. I’ve stood up for myself and got in trouble but at the end of they day, at least I didn’t take shit from anyone. Maybe that attitude is why I don’t really associate with a lot of people. I can count the number of friends I have with one hand and one of them is my sister. That attitude may be the reason why people don’t fuck with me at all. But I’ve also learned that other people’s opinion of me is none of my business.

Maybe there’ll be brighter days ahead. Maybe something will change the way I feel about the universe and everything else in it. But for now, let me be dark and angry because I deserve to at least feel something even if it feels like my heart is being crushed and my blood is boiling.