Where I Complain About Being A Woman

So in a few weeks, my womb will be removed. The pear shaped organ that carried my children. The one thing that differentiates me from men. The reason why I can talk about abortion and why it’s no one’s business why someone is getting one. That organ. My uterus.

I’ll be saying goodbye to my uterus. It’s not because I want to but it’s because I have a medical condition. I’m not supposed to have any more periods since I had the Novasure done. But for over a year now, I’m suffering from them. Sometimes they get so bad that it wipes me out completely and I end up sleeping all day.

Am I sad? In a way. This is not the first organ to be removed from my body. It would actually be the 4th. How fun. But I am also relieved. No more periods. No more PMS. And hopefully no more PMDD.

This is going to be a life changer. It’s still sad (and scary) but I don’t like that I’m suffering every month from something I no longer need.

I will have to spend the night in the hospital (remind me to write about the morphine machine). My husband will also be spending the night with me so yay! Hospital rooms are cold and creepy.

This isn’t my first rodeo so I should be really good at this. But goodbye, periods!!

Call Me Old Fashioned…

I had a choice. I didn’t have to take his last name when we got married but I chose to. Not because it’s the norm or tradition…but my reasons were more than just because I’m fucking in love.

But I can totally understand why some women don’t and I commend those who made the choice even though people talked her out of it. Like this woman: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/9417350?

I took my husband’s last name because my maiden name started with a Q and remembering how much of a pain in the ass it was to be so close to the end of the alphabet. Especially when we had to line up alphabetically by last name in school or I had to look for a table that had the sign “P-Q” and it was always at end of the freakin’ hall. Also, I’m the type who likes to get stuff over with so I always almost wanted to just die every time I had to wait to present something to the class.

I remember when it was time to renew our parking passes where I used to work. Went to my table (A-C), told them my last name and I was the fourth one down the list (my first name is like smack in the middle of the alphabet). Shit like that makes me happy that I took Jeremy’s last name. It baffles people, too, because they didn’t expect an Asian chick with an American last name until they check my ring finger. Kinda funny to me.

Also, being called The Adams Family sounds awesome. I seriously considered naming my daughter Wednesday. Now I see how that was stupid idea but I was pregnant and all I could think of was the next time I could eat or nap so I wasn’t really thinking clearly.

“I Don’t Want To Be My Self Anymore”

Back in 2012, I was admitted into the hospital. I started writing on my journal. This was from Day 1:

I’m in the psych ward. Sucks that I’m not allowed to use my cellphone or my iPad but this gives me a good reason to use this journal.

Stress was piling up over the last few weeks. It just seemed like I couldn’t catch a break it felt like I was pulled from every direction. I thought I could hold my feet firmly to the ground but last night, I had a complete mental breakdown.

My marriage is very important to me. It is the foundation of my livelihood; it’s what keeps me from losing all hope. Jason [Jeremy’s brother] decided that since he couldn’t take Jeremy away from me, he used me as a reason to finally set out what he wanted to do. I know the asshole doesn’t like me, but why lie? Why make up something that I supposedly said? Never in my life have I ever lied on someone. I have done some fucked up shit in the past but I know my limits. And making up stories about someone is never cool. It bothered me so much that Jeremy believe him. Then came the devastating news that separation is justified because I am causing a rift between he and his family. It also came as a final decision that he was abandoning me like my mother did.

Sidenote: If I had my phone on me, I would be tweeting this shit I have seen so far all day. Kinda makes me realize that I’m not that crazy after all.

So I panicked – swallowed a handful of pills. Everything after that has been a blur – from going to the hospital, now here.

Maybe I needed this. Maybe this could help me after all. My stress management and coping skills are awful. I am constantly anxious and worrying about everything. The littlest things can easily set me off and worst of all, I feel like people are purposely giving me a hard time. the thoughts of people coming out to get me started to consume my every day being.

Jeremy just came to visit me. It was heartbreaking but it helped me a lot. Why did I ever take this for granted? How could I think that my husband never loved me when he has put up with my shit for the last 9 years? Seeing him cry was painful. He was so worried about what to tell our children. I really don’t know either. But I feel good knowing that they’re taken care of. But I know eventually that they will start asking Dad questions about where I am.

I miss Michael and Camden. I miss Ginger and Bob. Jeremy brought some stuff for me and I could smell home. So I spoke to them on the phone and they didn’t seem worried so I’m glad. Jeremy is doing a great job handling the daily chores at home. He’s even taking care of the dog and the cat. This eases my anxiety a little bit because I used to think the household can’t be ran without me.

This place is very interesting. Full of characters. Apparently, I’m in the wrong unit as this unit is for people with aggression issues. There’s actually a unit for people with just depression and I really hope they move me there. I think I can get through this easier if I’m not around these disturbed folks. They’re mostly nice, but a few are a bit scary.

I can’t wait for Jeremy to bring me my cupcake from Frosting. It is such an awesome treat especially after what happened in the last 24 hours.

My goal is to get better mentally and emotionally. Whatever horrible that happened in the past. I need to start living, not just existing. I need to stop thinking about what could happen and always think positive, not matter how difficult it may be. I always think of the worst and I end up reacting the wrong way and that’s how I ended up here. But I’m going to honestly believe that being here may help me and I have to allow them to. I cannot continue to hurt Jeremy this way and I am absolutely aware that my kids will suffer without a mother.

I know Jeremy may think that this is a temporary fix but I have to prove to him otherwise.